I'm ok…

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At least that’s what I want you to think. Isn’t that what we want everyone to think. I’m ok, but that’s not even close. I’m not ok, and that’s not alright. This past week was very rough. I did go see my Psychologist, which was great, but other than that it was a very trying week for myself. This past week is where I just want to throw my hands up and let depression overcome. I just get so tired of fighting. Honestly, people fighting depression deserve an Oscar. We have to put on the toughest test of acting like we are fine, but inside we aren’t. I had to go drive up to my sister’s place since I had to see my Psychologist the next day. Well she had to work that night, I was fine up until she left for work. About 30 minutes after she left, those insecure thoughts took over and controlled my way of thinking. I just can’t be by myself for too long or those negative thoughts overcome me. It exhausts me trying to fight. You aren’t good enough. You’re a loser. Nobody likes you. Just give up. I hate those thoughts. I try to drown myself in music to push those thoughts away. Sometimes they work. Sometimes they don’t. I love showers. They’re the perfect place to have a breakdown. The water is running down your face so you can pretend like you aren’t crying. You can say it’s just the shower, it’s just the shower. You can lie to yourself like you have to all of the time. Isn’t that what we do anyways? It’s going to be ok. you’re gonna be alright. When we know that just isn’t the case. We have to lie to our friends and loved ones. We tell them we’re gonna change or we’re ok. It hurts to lie to them, but you’re too embarrassed to tell them that deep down you’re hurting very badly. Maybe hearing someone else tell you they love you or a hug and a kiss will help. I’m sorry that’s just the depression talking. Can you count how many friendships and family ties have been ruined or strained because of your battle with depression. I’ve lost quite a few friends to my battle. Mostly, because they just don’t get it. Depression isn’t something that is just going to magically disappear and they just don’t get it. Back to my rough week. After I leaving my Psychologist, I let self-doubt creep into my head and talk me in to leaving without getting my haircut, which I needed very badly. That self-doubt then turned in to anger. Which made the rest of the week turn to anger and depression. I couldn’t get over all the work I’ve been putting in to let self-doubt creep in for just a minute ruin all of my work. I became so depressed over that like I did all of that work for nothing, See that’s how it gets you. Depression wants you to be a little happy and then come in and take it away. Since I was depressed, that lead to poor work performance. Well at least for me it was poor work performance. I hold myself to a very high standard and if I don’t reach it then I failed. See how that continues to make my week continue to spiral down. One simple letdown has made my week stumble and fall in to depression. I just can’t get over how my brain just does that. That depression then turns in to anger. I begin to lash out at the one’s I love the most and wish to never hurt. Unfortunately, depression does it see it that way. Depression is such an evil evil illness. I will say I did two good things. I went to the gym by myself on Friday. That is huge for me, I still had all of the negative thoughts feel me head and try and push me not to go and to go home when I got there. I was proud of myself to be able to fight those thoughts that I lost to just earlier in the week. Also, I was able to go by myself again Saturday. I did ran on the treadmill which is something I don’t do. I was so worried everyone was watching me run and were secretively laughing at me. That just wasn’t the case. Now looking back, this past week was a bad week, but I ended it on a strong note. I overcame the negative talk to go to the gym twice by myself! Let’s hope this week we can all beat up on depression and have a good week!

Depression Looms Inside

Over the next few blog post I’m going to kind of go in to each aspect of what I struggle with. Today, I’m going to break down depression for you guys. Depression is described as a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. I feel depressed more days than I do happy or “normal.” I’ve been told many times that I look like a sad puppy dog walking around. I walk around with no expression on my face, just numb. I have everything going for me, but I still feel numb. I’ve felt numb for the last 14 years. I didn’t speak up until 8 years after I really began to struggle. I don’t keep interest in things. I just can’t keep something going. I can do something like read a book or watch a show on Netflix, but after about a week I loss interest. I lose interest in smiling. I don’t see a point to smile. I see everything as dark and bad. One of my favorite saying’s I get when I’m really depressed is “snap out of it” Are you serious? Yeah let me just snap out of all the pain and hurt I’ve been through. That is absolutely one of the worst things you can tell someone with depression. It will never work that way. It’s like my title says, Depression Looms Inside, it’s always in our head. It’s just sitting there waiting to poach happiness away from us. Fighting depression is going to be a long journey. We have to fight just get ourselves out of the bed. Depression comes with a lot of symptoms. I’ll go over a few and describe my experience with them. One symptom of depression is feelings of sadness, tearfulness, emptiness, or hopelessness. I walk around always feeling empty. I feel like I have nothing inside. I’m just a hollow person, like I have nothing to give to society. When I’m not down I know that isn’t true. I have a lot to give to society. I always feel hopeless. I feel like I’m just here. There’s no hope for me, it’s too late. When I’m not down I know there’s more to life than depression. There’s more to being that just always being sad. Another symptom of depression is, angry outbursts, irritability or frustration, even over small things. When I’m really depressed I become a very angry person. I will snap over how you look at me. I will get angry if you ask me to do the dishes. It’s the small things that I really get overly angry at. I know deep down I’m not angry person. I’m a very joyful person when I’m not depressed. You can also experience sleep disturbances such as insomnia or sleeping too much. I’ve experienced both. There are days where I can only sleep may be one or two hours. That’s not good at all for the brain or the body. I’ve also slept for almost an entire day. With both, I became very irritable after I woke up. Since I wasn’t sleeping hardly at all I was irritable for not having any sleep and when I slept too much I became irritable because I was still tired. They affected my relationship with my family as well as my work performance. Everyone knows having no sleep or being tired you don’t give your best effort at work. You become a clock watcher waiting to go home. I’ve experienced slowed thinking and slow to move my body, I’ve been told I move so slow like a sloth. I don’t think I do, but many people have told me different. In my mind, I think I’m walking fast. I feel like that comes back to sleeping too much or not sleeping at all. My thoughts are very slow. Sometimes it can take me a good 2 minutes just to get a thought out. That’s definitely not normal. Lastly, I’ve experienced trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions and remembering things. It’s very hard for me to concentrate on things. I will lose interest in a hurry. You have about two minutes to excite me or my mind is gone. I can’t remember things very well either. I can write them down or say them out loud for what feels like a thousand times and I still can’t remember what you told me. My family gets so mad at me for that, but I’m not trying to forget. They just can’t understand why I struggle remembering things. These are my experiences with depression. I hope this may help you or whoever to seek help and take the fight to depression!

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/symptoms-causes/syc-20356007

“There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.” – C.S. Lewis

https://www.azquotes.com/author/8805-C_S_Lewis/tag/depression

Trauma's. They hurt.

We all have trauma. We all have painful trauma. Some hurt more than others. I’m more talking about mental trauma than I am physical trauma. Though, both can equally hurt. Does trauma surround you like they do me? It’s like I can’t get away. There’s all types of trauma in life. You may experience being bullied at school, being physically and mentally abused, or being sexually assaulted. For me, I was bullied all through school. It seems like from third grade to twelfth grade, I was bullied. Nine years of being bullied Monday-Friday will damage a person. I was always bullied for being quiet. Since I didn’t speak, I became an easy target. I would be punched in the bathroom. I was always felt like I was worthless. I always felt like I was going to be bullied, I just had to prepare myself when I was heading to school. I was too afraid to tell my mom and dad. I didn’t want to be “that kid”. The trauma from school would lead to the self-hatred that has flared strong today. I have no love for myself. I can always picture all of the kids laughing at me in school. I can remember being called fat, worthless, and a loser. Growing up, being bullied has changed me. I’m quick to put my guard up. I don’t want to talk to people I don’t know. I become very nervous around new people. I get scared that I’m going to be laughed at or bullied. In reality, I know that’s more than likely not going to happen. I seem to try and talk myself down when those trauma’s arrive, but it seems like a tall task to manage. I know a lot of people have gone through mentally and physically abusive relationship or childhood. I can only imagine being beat every day or talked down to by significant other or a family member. No one deserves that. No one! I go through a lot with just being bullied at school, I know you are going through even more than me. This trauma I’m about to talk about is a tough one. Sadly, a lot of people have been sexually assaulted. Sexual assaults can occur from a stranger, a trusted “friend”, or unfortunately from a family member. I can only imagine the pain you go through. I know you are probably majorly traumatized, and you have a right to be! Sexual assault’s are occurring at a very high rate. It is leaving people shaken for life and some people commit suicide from the pain they have went through. Sexual assaults are something we as a human race have to prevent! There’s other trauma’s out there, those are that jumped out to me. We all deal with our trauma’s in different ways. Some of us write, some of listen to music, some of us push the pain to the back of our minds. The pain of the trauma’s that we’ve been through has turned towards drugs and alcohol. We have to do our best to fight the trauma. I know they’re overwhelming, but we can’t let our trauma define who we are. If we need to go get help then get help. We can’t let them consume us. We are more than our past. We are perfect the way we our. We have to cope in positive means. The screaming past, we have to let go. I know every day is a going to be a challenging day, but it’s for the best. Today, I went and saw my Psychologist, which was much needed. I know when it’s time for me to go see him. We discuss my trauma’s a lot. Him and I both know they play a lot of why I am the way I am today. Our trauma’s affect us even when we don’t see it. It could be our attitude or in our looks. I know they are deep in our minds and stuck there, but we have to do our best to overcome them. Maybe one day you and I can overcome our trauma, and be happy people. We got this people! I hope everyone is making Monday count!

Those Dirty Little Words

Can you guess what I’m talking about? Mental Illness. Why is it such a “bad” word. Here we are in the 21st Century and mental illness is still considered a “porn”. People talk about a lot worse, but when you bring up mental illness, it’s a no no. Why is it? I’ve never been able to wrap my head around it. Mental Illness isn’t something that is made up. It’s doesn’t affect just a certain type of person. Mental Illness wants to bring everyone down, no matter your ethnicity, how much you make, or what you believe in. Mental Illness will take all of us if it could. Now, looking I probably started to show signs of being “off” when I was little, but never anything. I wasn’t officially diagnosed with any type of mental illness until 2014. I’ve stated it in other blogs, but I’ll state it again now as well. In 2014, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Depression, Generalized Anxiety, and severe Social Anxiety. I’ve been dealing with all of this for going on six years now, but mentally it feels like an eternity. There are so many people that are afraid to speak up about having a mental illness. Unfortunately, some people take their own life’s because they were too embarrassed or ashamed to seek help. All of us don’t suffer the same. You may just have debilitating anxiety, or he may have schizophrenia. We all do have something in common though. We all have mental illness! We’re all a unique family. It sad that to say though we still have to live in the dark when it comes to talking about mental illness. I’ve read somewhere where a female was admitted to a Psychiatric Hospital due to a mental breakdown, when she got out she posted about it on Facebook and she was talked down to for going to get help! Seriously!? A young woman who sought help for a mental breakdown was bullied for going to get help. If I could find the article again I would link it for you guys. That’s why a lot of people don’t want seek help. They don’t want to be bullied for seeking help. It really is sad that people would do that. A big stereotype when it comes to mental health is men, like myself. We aren’t suppose to get help. We’re “weak” if we do, we aren’t “men” because men don’t get help they figure it out on their own. Yeah, that’s a bunch of bologna. A lot of men live by that stereotype, not me. I am very open about my struggles. I was told that I should stay quite about my mental health. Why though? What if I speak up and someone who is struggling hears or reads what I’ve been going through, and it helps them? That is what you call a success. I will never be ashamed to talk about my struggles and you shouldn’t either! I don’t want to be a hero, I just want all of us to battle mental illness together. If you’re reading this and you’re battling mental illness you know how hard the battle is and will continue to be. There are days where I absolutely do not want to get out of bed. I do not want to go to work. I do not want to smile. I do not want to talk to anyone, not even family. I don’t to be like that, but my mental illness becomes too much for me. In my going on six years of battling I’ve had many good days, but I’ve also had many bad days. I feel like it’s more bad days than good, but I know I have to keep fighting. I fight for myself, my family, and my girlfriend. If you don’t have one then fight for yourself because your life is worth more than mental illness. If you want go get help then go! Who cares what anyone else thinks, even though it’s hard for me to say that. Your mental health is more important that someone else’s opinion! I will always put my mental health first. I know we need jobs, but I still will choose my mental health over a job. Don’t get me wrong having a job is important and we need one if we want to have a house and pay bills! Hopefully, after reading this blog post you won’t be ashamed about your mental health. You won’t be ashamed to discuss your mental health with strangers. You won’t be afraid to go seek help. It’s time we bring mental health out of the dark! You never know who may see or where you story, it could save them too. Tomorrow is Monday, so let’s make this week great!

My Escape

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Bipolar Depression, Anxiety, and Social Anxiety can become overwhelming. It can really take a toll on me mentally and physically. It affects me physically because I get so down that I’m just unable to go to the gym. I just sit in the living room or lay in my bed and stuff my face full of food, like that was going to solve my problems. For me, I have to find a way to escape. I don’t keep something for very long, I just get bored of it. It’s so hard for me to maintain concentration on something and enjoy it. I’ve had Netflix for a long time, but I maybe have finished three shows in 6 years. I’ve tried to write in a notebook and get things off of my mind. That worked for a little bit, but now I just can’t do it. I’ve tried the adult coloring books, but that just hasn’t helped. When I play my XBOX, those few hours I do escape, I feel good. I feel like I’m in a different world. I don’t have time to think about the bad. I think about what’s going on in the game I’m playing. I listen to music a lot. I listen to everything from Christian music to Trap music. I can get in all the feels. The artist I listen to the most, which should be obvious if you’ve read my blogs, is Rapper NF. I love NF! I listen to trap music when I workout. I just get lost in the music. I just go to place where the world can’t hurt me. That’s the beauty of music. There’s a style of music for every feeling you have. I’ve done the scented smells, that works for me from time to time. I guess we do stuff that works for us in our own ways. I like to read, but that’s where my concentration loss comes in. I’ve been able to finish a few books. I’ve read a few books by Tim Tebow and Tony Dungy. I want would love to be able to read more, but I just can’t. I watch a lot of sports. Sports are my passion. I watch just about any sport. I love football, but I’ll also watch everything during the Summer and Winter Olympics. Sports is my real escape. When I watch football, I can sit there for two to fours and just watch football. I can sit there and relax. I wish I knew of other things to do to cope with depression. One thing I would love to do is ride horses. That just seems peaceful to me. Riding a horse out in the country, no cell service. Nothing. Mhmm that’s peaceful to me. I wouldn’t mind hiking up a mountain either, Just to reach the top, sit there and reflect on life. Beautiful view and self-reflection. Yeah, that’s definitely going to be a yes for me. I just don’t have any mountains close to me. It’s just so hard to find an escape. You think you found one, but then here comes bipolar depression full force. Back to a dark hole I go. I always have to escape. I can’t sit, if I do my thoughts will attack me. I don’t like when my thoughts come to me. They aren’t my friends. They just make me feel worthless and not good enough. So far in life, my escape just hasn’t really happened yet, but I guess that’s the depression talking. It probably isn’t good for me staying home all of the time either. The walls start to talk after a while, but maybe if I didn’t have severe social anxiety I would have friends to go and hangout with. There’s a lot of what if’s for me. What if I did that or I did this. I question my entire meaning in life. The most little aspect of my life I’ll question. If I could find an escape I know I could turn to and not lose my concentration, that would be great. I feel like if I had no escape at all I would be in a really bad place. I am lucky to have such a great support group behind me when I can’t find my escape. I have my mom, dad, sister, girlfriend, and my wonderful Psychologist. If I didn’t have an escape or a great support group I think I would be in even way worse shape. I’m blessed, but I’m cursed too. I have my dark parts of me, I’m just not scared to tell people what is going on. I’ve always felt as if maybe I speak up it will help someone else. To end things my only escape I have is NF and sports. Do you have an escape?

They hate me. I hate me.

Hate is an intense or passionate dislike for someone/something. Self-hate is an intense dislike of oneself. Most people and I have something in common. We both hate me, or at least if feels like everyone hates. To me that is a true statement, but I also have a strong self hate towards myself. I feel like I’m nothing most days. My jealousy rises when I see someone who has self love. I guess I just get so upset inside. Why can’t I just be like that? Why can’t I have that much love towards myself? It’s hard for me to look myself in the mirror. I think of what all I could have been, and what I actually am. If I sit down and think back on when my self-hate began; I would say it began in middle school. Year by year the self -hatred of myself has grown stronger and stronger. The truth is I probably should have spoken up sooner to my parents. Maybe if I did I wouldn’t be so far gone with Bipolar Depression and Social Anxiety. When you’re a kid going through all of that you’re just scared. You don’t know what to do or say. You’re just flat out scared. Some days I feel good about myself, but it doesn’t take long for self-hatred to come back in like a hurricane and destroy those good thoughts. That little voice in my head, it’s just rude. I can try and dress nice and that little voice will go and say oh you’re wearing that. Seriously, you look fat and ugly in that. Your hair looks atrocious. The only clothes I feel comfortable wearing are all of my NF clothes. I’ve never met him, but I wish I could. His songs are how feel, but I just can’t get the words out. Through his music he’s become my best friend, but he doesn’t even know it. That little voice in my head is the reason why I rarely dress nice anymore. Does that little voice in your head tell you the same? Someone needs to send that guy to manners school. Self-hatred is like being suffocated with negative thoughts that won’t allow the positive thoughts in. It’s not like I want to wake up every day and look in the mirror and hate what I see. I want to have that self-love. I want to be able to wake up one day and look in the mirror and say “that’s a good dude right there.” I just want to be able to love myself, but not become infatuated and obsessed with myself. I want to find that little kid inside of me again, but as an adult. Failing to achieve goals really doesn’t help my self-hatred either. When I had to accept the fact that I would never become a high school football coach was hard for me. Those were dark times for me. I played football up until my junior year when I a significant back injury was discovered and I was unable to play again. From that point on I was bent on becoming a high school football coach. I started writing plays down, reading all of these football coaching books, really watching my high school football coaches my senior year. I knew that’s what I wanted to do. Well 2014 came, I had my massive meltdown with my Bipolar Depression. I tried to fight for another year, but ultimately I had to move home. When I did move home, I would look myself in the mirror after I showered and that little voice would rip in to me. I would keep telling myself you’re such a loser, you’re a failure, you’re going to amount to nothing, you’re worthless. That negative self talk hit me hard. I had to walk around my mom and dad like I was fine, but really I wasn’t. Have you ever went through something like that? Whenever you’re in a store do you just wonder if that person is struggling too? I know I do. I just want the self-hatred gone. I just want the need for acceptance from others to be gone. I guess that’s the human aspect of us, to be accepted by others. One day ladies and gentlemen we’ll find the self-love we’ve always been looking for. Let’s rock on on this Thursday!

Smiling Depression

Smile means to assume a facial expression indicating pleasure, favor, or amusement. Seems like many opportunities to smile huh? Have you ever heard of smiling depression? According to psychology today, smiling depression is appearing happy to others, literally smiling, while internally suffering with depressive symptoms. Does that sound familiar to you now? I do that all of the time. I have to present a fake smile while I’m out, but on the inside I’m nowhere near close to wanting to smile. On the inside I’m frowning. It’s gets tiring to have put on that fake smile all of the time. I wish I could say most of smiles were real, but to be quiet hones with you, they’re not. Now, when I was kid my smile was real. I was so young and didn’t know how the world is a cruel place. There’s a lot of good people out there, but there is also a lot of bad people out there. I recognize that I’m depressed most days. When I went to school I always had “smiling depression”. For five days a week from 8am to 3:15pm I would have a fake smile on my face. I did that for 12 years. I was afraid of being bullied even more if my peers knew I was depressed. They always say the people that laugh the most seem to always hurt the most. If that is true then that is me 100%. It’s like NF says in his song I Miss The Days: “I miss the days when I had a smile on my face and wasn’t so caught up in all of the small things.” Man does that ring true to me. Does it to you? Do you know how much it hurts to put on a fake smile when I’m with my family? Those are suppose to be special fun moments. Not for me, I just have to pretend I’m happy. There was one time when I was truly happy. When I was going through school I had a golden Labrador Retriever, his name was Jack. That dog was my best friend. I could tell him my secrets and not be judged. I could cry and he would put his paw on me or his head on me. I always called him my depression dog. He knew when a panic attack was coming. He knew when I was sad. I could run around the yard and play with him all day. I could laugh and laugh with Jack. I picked him out when he was born, he was the runt. He was an outcast like myself. His death is coming up on three years now, I feel like I’m always missing a half of me. I couldn’t watch the vet put my best friend down. He was so sick and hurting it was best to put him down. Back to smiling depression now. When I was walking to get my high school diploma (our high school graduation was at our football stadium so it was a full stadium) I had depressed smile on. I’m suppose to be happy! I just graduated high school. I come from a town where a lot of people don’t graduate high school. Nope, I was depressed. My anxiety was through the roof. I have all of these people looking at me. I’m walking in front of classmates I’ve never talked to looking at me. I was far from happy. Have you had any of those moments? Have you ever had an animal that had that connection with you and your mental illness? Just think of all of the opportunities we’ve had to truly smile, but were just unable to. For me, Smiling Depression has just become a part of me. That really is sad. It’s like I’ve become so use to having a fake smile it’s become second nature to just fake a smile. If anyone says “Smiling Depression” is fake, now you have the material to tell show them you aren’t lying. Don’t get me wrong I’m happy to be alive. That’s a blessing. I just don’t want to have to fake a smile. One day at a time, that’s all it going to have to be. We just can’t overcome all of our problems in one day. I’ll end with my favorite Jim Valvano: “Don’t give up. Don’t ever give up.”

“Smiling Depression”

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-guest-room/201411/the-secret-pain-smiling-depression

“Don’t give up. Don’t ever give up.”

https://247sports.com/Coach/Jim-Valvano-3640/Quotes/

Mania.

When does depression go away? Does it ever go away? The attack on our mental well being is hurting. The medication, the therapy, the calming exercises. We want it to help every day but it doesn’t do that. We feel good for awhile then we go back to hurting. We start to go manic and that’s no fun. Have you ever been through a manic episode? Do you know what a manic episode is? A manic episode as described by the Mayo Clinic is an extremely elevated and excitable mood usually associated with Bipolar Disorder. Here are some signs of a manic episode: abnormally upbeat jumpy or wired, increased activity energy/agitation, exaggerated sense of well-being and self-confidence (Euphoria), Decreased need for sleep, etc. As you can tell, there’s a lot of symptoms of becoming manic. It can be scary. It can be very scary. Usually when I become manic I become jumpy and have decreased need for sleep. Everyone needs sleep. I could go three or four days without sleep. Three or four days!? Are you kidding me. On top of that I would drive around all night, That’s extremely dangerous. I could have wrecked and hurt myself or wrecked and hurt someone else. Going through mania, that doesn’t go through your head. Nothing goes through your head. Your thoughts never stop. Everything is going through your head at full speed. It’s only after the fact when everything so slows down do we realize the danger we put ourselves through when we were going through a manic episode. Another thing that I go through when I become manic, is I become jumpy. I can’t stay still. I have to move. I cannot stay still. I want to stay still, but I just can’t. It’s like have ants in my pants. I’m up and I’m down. I remember one year, when the NBA Championship series was on, I couldn’t even sit down to watch the series. I had to stand up. I had to pace. I just couldn’t stay still and watch the game. Only one time, have I ever experienced a sense of over self-confidence. Me? The guy who has no self-confidence becoming over self-confident. I thought I was untouchable. I could do anything and suffer no consequences. I thought I was “that guy”. Mania can be scary. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m scared of going manic. I’m always scared of becoming manic again. Now, when I become manic, I become very irritable. You could sneeze and I want to rip in to you for no apparent reason. That is freaking insane to get that upset over a simple sneeze that is just a normal human function. It’s natural, and here am I getting very upset about it. When I become manic, it becomes very hard to control that aspect of my brain. I know I shouldn’t become that upset and agitated by a sneeze, but I just can’t control it. What do you go through when you become manic? I know it’s scary, but you are not alone. We’ll walk through the scary manic episodes together. One thing I am thankful for is, I can sense a change in my mental state right before it happens. It’s so hard to explain, but for whatever reason I can feel the manic episode begin to come on. It’s just a race to get in to see my Psychologist and Psychiatrist. If I can’t get in soon, well you know what happens. The scary dark road of manic episodes is going full speed. Most of the time, I can get in to see either my Psychologist or Psychiatrist within the same week. When it’s longer than that though, I apologize to my family. They do their best to help me with everything, but there’s nothing they can really do to help. I’m just in a deep dark abyss during that time. When you throw in depression with the manic episodes, you see the world as a scary terrible place. We just try to hold it together and be “strong”. In reality, we want to be that “strong” person, but when everything is coming at you at 1000mph it is so hard to be that strong person. We just want to go through life with inner peace. That’s all we want. We want to be at peace and we want to be happy. That seems like a tall task when you battle mental illness. Remember, when you go through these manic episodes you are not alone. I am with you and many others around the world are with you!

Mayo Clinic

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/bipolar-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20355955

When the Sun rises

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When the sun rises, what do you see? Do you see a new day or the same day? Do you see a new chance or do you see hopelessness? What is it? When the sun rises it’s suppose to be a new day right? For a lot of us, that’s not how it is. It’s the same day. We go through the same pain we went the through the day before. We want to be the one that see’s a new day. Depression, well I’ve told you by now, sucks. The repetition of going through the same thing day after day hurts. We want to to laugh and it be real. We want to talk positive and it not be fake. We just fake it until we make it. We’re not crazy. We just struggle. You can call is whiny babies or whatever you want. You will never truly understand what we go through unless you have what we have. We have to be strong to fight this illness. Some days we just don’t want win. I tried going to the gym yesterday but I just couldn’t over come my depression. I was there for five minutes and just had to come home. I just couldn’t do it. I guess to you could say I’m weak, but to me I just lost a hard fought battle with depression. Not every day is going to be a win. Not every day is going to be a loss. Most day’s for us will be a loss. It’s hard fighting this illness everyday, but we know one day we will overcome the illness we have. We will find the sunshine we’ve always been looking for. We will find the happiness that’s always escaped us. For me those days that are positive don’t stay positive thoughts. They end in negativity. Oh, well you could have done this and that better. You’re such a failure. You see my self-doubt and self-hatred end my positive day or moment very quickly. I feel like crazy, but I know stuff upstairs just don’t fire like they’re suppose to and leave me depressed and riddled with anxiety. Do you do the same thing too? I’ll always say this. I’m not alone and neither are you. We’re in this battle together. Today feels a little bit better for me, but it’s still the same day. Hey it’s Friyay huh? Yeah not for me. It’s just a normal Friday. Yes tomorrow is the weekend, but that’s it. It’s just the weekend. It’s crazy to think depression can ruin a day, a week, a month, or even a year. Hears to fighting a good fight with mental illness! Have a good Friday guys!

Today oh Today

Today is one of those days. I just can’t. I can’t. Depression is strong today. Nothing bad happened. Depression happened. It comes like a thief in the night. I wake up, and I have nothing. I have no want to. I just want to question everything. My self hatred comes out. I have no self acceptance. I hate the person I am. I don’t accept who I am. My depression lets my insecurities run wild, which in turn makes my depression run even deeper in me. It’s a lose lose situation. Does this happen to you to? I hate they way I look, the way I talk, the way I eat, the way I do anything really. I know I have the power to control my thoughts, but on days like these it’s so hard to be able to control those thoughts. Today is a day where medicine won’t even help my cause. Today is a day that’s going to go by so slow that every hour will feel like only a minute has gone by. Some days especially on days like these I just don’t want to have to talk to people. There’s a reason why I don’t have friends. They never understood why there are days where I just don’t want to talk to them. Days like these it’ll be hard to even talk to my family. I don’t mean to hurt them, but when my depression gets so low like today I just don’t want to do it. I’m going to have to force myself with all of my power to go to the gym and do some cardio. Maybe that’ll make me feel better. God only knows. It’s hard to fight when you feel like everyone is against you and doesn’t understand you. I know I’m not alone battling this. I wish I could truly understand what just clicks off in your head to turn on depression. I just want to be happy. Don’t you? I’d talk to my Psychologist everyday if I had the time to do so. I will always choose my mental health over every thing. My mental health is important and your mental health is important. I just wish it was something that didn’t exists. Where we could live everyday like “ordinary” people. Days like today are when my thoughts just become too loud. I want to be positive for you guys, but today it’s just hard to. When I go to the gym I’m just going to feel like a puppet. I’ll put that fake face on and pretend like everything is fine, but deep down nothing is fine today. Sadly, that’s all I have for you guys today. My day may be bad I hope you guys have a great day!

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